What’s it like being an LGBTQ+ foster carer in the UK?

Dean: For me personally, I think it’s in my values and my outlook on life. I’ve always wanting to be a parent and pass my values on to little ones. I had quite a nice upbringing, so I wanted to be able to pass something like that to someone that isn’t as fortunate.

Benny: I’m a social worker by background, so I’ve always worked with kids. I’ve really enjoyed working with children. I’d often thought about fostering as a single person, but I really wanted to do it as a family unit.

Benny: I didn’t think we would have been ruled out but there wasn’t much information available. For example, I don’t think I’ve seen any posters of two men or two women promoting fosters. I think they’ve all been aimed at a man and a woman.

Dean: It’s interesting when we were looking at different places to potentially foster, we looked at a number of them and we found there was a huge variation in terms of who was promoting diversity within fostering. That was something that was really important to us when we were looking for an agency. It was really important to know that they had an understanding of us and how they would support us as LGBT carers.

Dean: We actually started the process with a Local Authority but we had a negative experience. That’s when we reached out to (Lika director) Linda and had a conversation with her.

Dean: It was really, really positive. I think particularly after an recent experience with another provider, we definitely felt supported through the process. It was supportive, it was clear, it was also really intense and brought up a whole host of emotions. It was really rigorous. It challenged us in lots of ways, but it also galvanised our wanting to be foster carers. It was helpful for us because it underlined for us that actually we were making the right decision and it was what we wanted to do.

Benny: We’re so blessed to have great people in our lives and they were with us all the way. We had a few meetings where everyone was involved during the assessment and it was great to get some feedback about their views. It just reinforced how lucky we are to have such a great support network around us. As the process got more intense we kind of dug our heels in and thought, ‘this is definitely what we want’.

Dean: One of the things that we talked lots about was the ages of children that we would like to foster. We definitely wanted under-fives. There was lots of discussion for us about making sure that we were true to ourselves and sticking to that. We were willing after approval to have to wait to get a younger child, rather than getting matched with an older child because we know they’re easier to place. But actually the reality was that there are so many children of all ages needing foster care that we didn’t have to wait long at all.

Benny: It’s a feeling you’ll never forget. To walk into the assessment panel and for someone to say, ‘congratulations, you’ve done it’, it’s a real achievement for us as a couple.

Dean: It was really overwhelming in a positive way. It’s just exciting, emotional. And daunting as well because it’s like, oh my God, we’re getting a child to look after.

Benny: It was crazy because we knew the little man was arriving at, say, two o’clock and we were shovelling food in the fridge as the taxi was pulling up. A cot had arrived an hour before, so we were knees deep in instructions! I don’t think you can ever really be ready because you just don’t know what you’re going to face until you’re kind of in it. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions for everyone involved. When we were going through the process, I wasn’t thinking about the little man’s family and taking all that into consideration, trying to get a placement for nursery trying to blend our families together—all that external stuff. You go all through the training and the training prepares you for what you might face, but you’re not really prepared for nursery runs, school runs, routines, family time, and what’s going on in your own personal life as well. So, there’s a lot of adjustment.

Dean: Definitely, it is positive. Life now is completely unrecognisable to how it was three months ago and that is the reality. But if you were to ask any parent who’s just had their first baby, they would say life is unrecognisable, too. So, our experience is no different to anyone else’s, other than the fact that we’ve had a three-year-old land on our doorstep rather than a newborn baby. I guess everyone’s experience is going to be different because everyone’s unique and each child who comes along is going to bring with them their own complexities and strengths and circumstances. So, yes, life is unrecognisable because our life is now centred around a little man. But that is why we went into this; that is why we did it. There’s no point in becoming a foster carer unless you are willing to accept that your life is going to change quite a lot. The child becomes the most important person.

Dean: For me, it’s if I’m in another room and I can hear Ben and our foster child laughing and giggling in another room or like when we were at soft play yesterday and watching the two of them running around and having a laugh and him asking for hugs and stuff… it’s those moments when you go, ‘okay, we know we’re doing an okay job and this is why we’re doing it’. There’s a lot of joy and happiness.

Benny: I think the light bulb moment for me was when the child’s guardian came to visit and as she was leaving, she just said, ‘this child is completely unrecognisable to the one who came into care’. So, it’s little things like that—things that we don’t necessarily notice every day but then someone comes in and can see how well the child is doing.

Dean: There’s no harm in at least exploring it, in going and having a conversation and talking it through with someone. Just take a chance and at least go and have the conversation. You can still say no, but yeah, you’ll never know until you’ve started a conversation about whether or not it’s right for you. And also speak to other people, speak to your friends and family about what they think, if you’ve got any doubts. There’s also an LGBT fostering and adoption group that’s online, called New Family Social. We watch lots of their blogs and they’re really good at taking things from an LGBT perspective as well.

Dean: It’s been really positive. When you start you imagine there’s going to be lots of people around but actually we’ve been trusted to get on with it. But when we’ve needed support they’re always there and available for us. The support has been really good.

Lika is a therapeutic fostering agency, rated Outstanding by Ofsted. Every decision we take is based on Systemic Family Therapy principles. That means relationships, openness and honesty are at the heart of everything we do. All Lika foster carers receive extensive training in Systemic Family Therapy principles and therapeutic parenting techniques.

It’s similar to the training a newly qualified social worker receives (although not quite as technical) — so you’ll be fully prepared for your first placement and be viewed as a professional foster carer in your own right.

Being a Lika foster carer means always receiving specialised and consistent support from our expert team of professionals.

Your support will include:

• 1 to 4 weekly supervisions with your supervising social worker to talk through and understand the needs of your young person
• 24/7 out-of-hours access to one of the Lika team, so you’re never unsupported if things feel difficult
• Access to Lika’s team of skilled and knowledgeable Systemic Psychotherapist Consultants and Systemic Social Work Practitioners, who are never stuck for ideas on how to support
• Virtual monthly foster carers support meeting, led and chaired by experienced foster carers
• Virtual fortnightly Therapeutic Family Consultations, facilitated by one of our psychotherapists and open to all our agency’s foster carers
• Membership to the National Association of Therapeutic Parents and The Fostering Network
• Life coaching for foster children, birth children and foster carers
• Our Mentor Support Scheme, which partners new foster carers with more experienced foster carers
• Free training for fostering support networks. (Your family and friends are welcome to join any of the training Lika offers.)
• Access to Lika’s support workers, depending on the level of need for the young person
• Access to Lika’s Educational Consultant, who can offer ideas and advocacy in supporting young people to achieve in education
• Help from Lika’s Systemic Social Work Practitioners/Therapists, who can undertake skilled direct work without waiting lists for the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS)
• 14 to 21 days of paid respite (depending on complexity) to recharge your batteries and have some space for self-care.

If you’re in south or east London and you’re interested in becoming a foster carer, give the helpful team at Lika a call on 020 3370 0987. We’re here to answer all your questions.

We’re currently in: Barking and Dagenham, Barnet, Brent, Bexley, Bromley, Camden, City of London, Croydon, Greenwich, Hackney, Hammersmith and Fulham, Ealing, Haringey, Islington, Kensington and Chelsea, Lambeth, Lewisham, Merton, Newham, Redbridge, Southwark, Sutton, Tower Hamlets, Wandsworth, Westminster, Enfield, Harrow, Havering, Hillingdon, Kingston upon Thames, Richmond upon Thames, Waltham Forest, Harrow and Essex.